A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC. Nothing was moving.
Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress and they're asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations."
"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
The man replies,
"Roughly a gallon."
Stuck in line at Walmart.
I coughed and said, "This cough has gotten worse since I got back from China."
BOOM! No line.
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.
Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The produce department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.
“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘bang, bang’.”
“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 86-year-old said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied...
"My point exactly."What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"That’s cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"A farmer decided to raise a flock of chickens. He went to the chicken store and bought 100 hens but when it came time to buy a rooster the store clerk just shook his head. All he could offer was a scrawny little rooster that nobody seemed to want.
The farmer bought the rooster and the hens and returned to his farm. He released the hens into the farm yard then released the rooster.
The rooster crowed and ran up to each hen one by one and screwed them all to death. He looked tired.
The farmer, hardly believing his eyes, assumed the rooster must have been extra horny since it was at the store for so long.
He returned to the chicken store and bought 200 hens this time.
When he got home, he released the second batch of hens. The rooster crowed and ran from hen to hen screwing them all to death. He definitely looked tired this time.
The farmer got mad. He went back to the chicken store and bought 1000 hens this time, sure to be too much for the rooster.
When the rooster saw all those hens, he got really wound up, crowed twice, and started in on them.
By the time he finished screwing the 1000th hen to death, the little rooster looked pretty weary. He staggered a bit, whirled around clutching his chest, then fell over backward in the dust.
The farmer walked over to jeer at him. "That's what you get you little pecker!"
The rooster opened one eye and held a finger to his beak. Then he pointed to the sky and said...
"Shhhh. Buzzards."Why do monkeys have to wear gloves when they eat tootsie rolls?
So they don't eat their fingers.A farmer needed a new rooster. He went to the chicken store and brought home a healthy young rooster.
Right away the old rooster confronted the new rooster, saying, "I don't want to fight you boy. I'm old and ready to retire. So as not to disappoint the ladies, let's have a race instead. Whoever makes it around the barn first wins."
The cocky young rooster looked at the old rooster and laughed. "You're on, old man."
In a flash, the old rooster was off, running for the corner of the barn. The young rooster crowed and chased after him.
The old rooster rounded the first turn, with the young rooster close behind.
At the second turn, the young rooster was about to overtake the old guy. They came running around the corner and BOOM! Nothing but a puff of feathers remained where the young rooster had been.
There stood the farmer with a smoking shotgun in his hands. He shook his head and muttered under his breath as he walked away...
"Damn! Another gay rooster."Why did God give women pussies?
So men would talk to them.Why do politicians wear neck ties?
To keep the foreskin from covering their face.What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
ElephinoWho invented copper wire?
Two jews fighting over a penny.A priest, a rabbi, and a heathen go fishing together.
After sitting in the boat for awhile, the priest has to pee. He stands and steps over the side of the boat, walks a few steps across the water, pees, then returns to the boat.
After a bit, the rabbi does the same thing.
The heathen then decides to relieve himself as well. He steps out of the boat and plunges to the bottom of the lake.
The priest looks at the rabbi and says...
"Do you suppose we should tell him about the rocks?"
Polite comments are welcome.